feeling blue

(long medical post.  i understand if you just check back tomorrow)

i had alluded to some medical issues last week when i had went to the doctor.

every year for work i have to get blood work done for my insurance - i receive a discount for being healthy!

i had been feeling all around icky and was having some panic attacks regarding the ickyness, so instead of doing the normal blood work at work (they set up shop in our lunch room) i scheduled an appointment with my doctor to have it done there.

the blood work my doctor had ordered was more complete

i specifically wanted him to check out my thyroid levels.

i was feeling anxiety, depressed, i was crying at the drop of a hat.  watching anything dramatic on tv was out of the question.

i can't even begin to tell you how many times i've cried reading your blogs at the weirdest things.

i had also gained weight.  my clothes don't really fit right now, and i had no clue to how much weight i had gained until i had to step on the scale.

again i wanted to cry. 

if i had checked out for a year on eating and exercise i would understand.  but i've been training for a marathon for like 3 months and haven't lost anything.

i eat so dang healthy too!  i don't have to count calories because i typically know what's in each meal without thinking about it.  typically i try to stay around 500 calories a meal with a snack or two thrown in there depending on my running schedule.

i would totally understand gaining 10 lbs, but i've gained a lot more than that in about 8 months.

from self diagnosis and the interwebs i thought possibly it was my thyroid, and i wanted to talk to the doctor.

what i wasn't prepared for was the nurse handing me a self evaluation regarding depression.

yeah, i was sad, but depressed? 

after answering the self evaluation i realized maybe i did have some anxiety and was feeling sad more often than i realized.

the depression i was hoping was connected with my thyroid.

i wasn't prepared for the doctor to offer me to go on some anti depressants.  i wanted to laugh and i immediately felt self conscious. i mean, it's not like i'm a crazy person.  it's not like i have thoughts of suicide.  i just cry at leukemia fundraiser commercials, when rachel is alone in NYC on glee, and the thought of my non existent babies going to school.  completely normal right?....?

i decided against the drugs and wanted to wait until my blood work came back.  this past week i've really thought a lot about the anxiety and depression.  i have a lot going on right now.  i'm getting married in a month, i am constantly dealing with issues regarding my mom or rather her lack of involvement, being rear ended last friday, traveling for work and weddings (mine and juli's), and the list goes on - all of these things have caused a lot of anxiety.  to the point i've woken up gasping for air, swearing i'm choking when i'm trying to breathe.

i needed to decide what was right for me - in the case my thyroid came back normal.

i went to the doctor today.

i am 100% healthy.  aside from my weight gain my physical health is through the roof - which i think really attests to the fact that i eat healthy and work out regularly.

while this made me feel so relieved that nothing major was wrong, something was still off.  just two days ago i got upset at bill for not paying closer attention to driving.  i'm so high strung right now that everything makes me upset or feel like crying.  and realistically that's not the way i want to be.  i immediately feel guilty for being upset and that just makes me more emmotional.

i asked my doctor about medication and the length someone should be on anti depressants.  he told me he would want to see me on them for 6 months to a year or when i started feeling "normal" again.

i'm still pretty sensitive to the thought of taking anti depressants, but if someone else were to describe their symptoms as my own i would 100% support them in needing and wanting to opt for medication.

i think there's a stigma associated with depression and mental illness.  the thought that you can eat better, sleep more, exercise and you're going to wake up and feel better!  just isn't true. and at least for me, to do those things - it's been a struggle recently.

as someone who's prided herself as a health nut for several years now, it kind of makes me feel like a fraud for not living up to what i preach.  but i realize that some things just aren't completely in my hands...or my hands aren't big enough to juggle the stress and anxiety.

my short term plan is to take the medication for 6 months to a year.  i'm hoping the anxiety is temporary, but my doctor did tell me that for some people medication is a long term answer.

and since i'm being completely honest and open here, for anyone wondering i was prescribed wellbutrin xl.

i know we all don't go around telling each other about our recent trips to the doctor and what we discussed with him, but i think it's important to not feel alone, or judged, or broken.  that depression affects many people at varying degrees.

ok, so tmi?  :)  this post was probably more for me to get what i feeling out and on "paper"

feeling sad is normal, but feeling sad, anxious, and hopeless for weeks isn't and i would advise talking to a doctor.